Sunday, February 17, 2013

Heart Broken

I never thought it would be me. It always takes so long for us to get pregnant, I never imagined I'd actually have a miscarriage. My heart is broken.

When we had the twins I thought a 3 year gap would be perfect. Then we went to graduate school. Brad was looking for a job, so we didn't start "trying" until we knew he had found work. It took 8 long months to finally get pregnant. That was much less than the 21 months it took to get pregnant with Noah and the year it took to get pregnant with the twins. But still, 8 months is much longer than I had hoped. Finally, on Jan 27th, I took a positive pregnancy test. There was a much bigger gap than I had hoped for (4 1/2 years) but I was thrilled nonetheless.  It was my personal little secret for 3 days. I wanted to tell Brad in a special creative way, and I admit, having this little secret that for a few days that was ONLY mine, made me feel giddy. I was glowing.

I took silly self photos from our web cam, printed them out, and wrote "Am I glowing?....How about now? What if I pull my hair back.. etc" I was so excited to finally share my secret with Brad. Our little one was due October 3rd, 2013. Our wait was over.

I started buying maternity clothes for the summer, dreaming of what baby would be for Halloween, and started planning how our little family's future would fall into place.

Feb 15th that all changed. I noticed a little brown spotting, then pink, them blood. I fell on my knees right then and there begging that it wasn't a miscarriage. I immediately called the temple to have my name put on the prayer roll. I was scared. I then called my Dr.'s office and the nurse told me it wasn't uncommon to spot. A little relief.

Feb 16th. More bleeding. More period like bleeding :(

Feb 17th, cramping. More blood, clots and lots of tears. I knew it was a miscarriage.

I feel empty. It takes us so long to get pregnant, and I'm afraid of being back at square one again.

Was it something I did? Did I work out too hard? Did we have sex when we shouldn't have? Was the baby not growing properly? Why?! :(

I'm trying to understand Heavenly Father's will, but in my grief, all I can do is hurt right now.

My sister (Kara) brought dinner last night (Feb 16th). She walked through the door, gave me a huge hug, set dinner on the counter and handed me a new book. She said, "Something to help keep your mind off it." Of course I bawled like a baby the second I saw her, but I am so grateful for her love. She was an angel to me that night. My mom was all the way in Oregon, and my thoughtful sister was just what I needed.  Brad has been super sweet, and has really tried to understand, but let's be honest: men just don't get it. They have no idea of the emotional heartbreak, the physical aspect, or the mental disappointment.

I'll call my OBGYN's office tomorrow (monday). Not sure what they'll have me do. My 8 week appt, where I supposed to see that little heartbeat flashing away on the ultrasound screen, was only 3 days away on Wednesday.  It's all been taken from me.

Heavenly Father, please, please, please help heal my broken heart. Help us to get pregnant again soon, and to have a healthy pregnancy. Please help me have faith and trust in you.

Once again, my favorite quote seems to find meaning in my life:

“Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.” -Joseph F. Smith

Patiently waiting, once again...

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