Thursday, October 30, 2008


Yes, I am in shock. I have been wanting to sit down and write my thoughts, but haven't found the words yet. I'm still not sure I can. I had a life altering day on Tuesday, Oct. 28th. A day the rocked my world in a way I never thought would be rocked. Was is a good day? Yes, a very very good day in hindsight, but right now...I am still in shock. Brad and I had our first check up to make sure everything was going okay with our growing baby. Well everything was going great, x2!!! Yes, we are having twins. Words to describe how I feel: excited, scared, shocked, nervous, happy, guilty, giddy, scared, blessed, worried,...did I mention scared?!

I am trying so hard to be postive. We have had fertility issues and we would have been THRILLED with this news our first pregnancy, even our next, but the timing is just not perfet with this pregnancy for twins. But would it ever be? Probably not. Brad is planning on going to graduate school this next fall. I don't want him to put his dreams and goals on hold because of our circumstances or I am afraid he will never do it. Then I think of myself in an apartment somewhere with no friends and family and I freak. I wouldn't be able to leave the house wih 3 babies (all under the age of 2). I picture myself becoming a hermit and going crazy. Besides that, the fact that Brad won't be working, we would be dirt poor, Brad trying to apply himself to studying properly with two newborns waking up all night.....I am just plain scared. I need comfort right now. Comfort in knowing that we can do it. That I can be the mother I need to be, that I can be the wife I need to be. That we will be happy amid the choas. Then I start stressing about the health of these two precious spirits. Will they both be born perfect and healthy like Noah? Then I stir about the unimaginable of something going horribly wrong and me not making it through carrying and delivering two babies. Yes, I am a worry wart, and yes I am scared. My brain is going in a million different directions.

I need future vision, I need comfort, I need a hug.

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